Those Eyes

How do you do it?

Even in the orange glow of the streetlamp, none of that amazing color that drives me so wild visible at all…

And still, when your eyes meet mine, my heart skips a beat. Ten. Twenty.

Be careful, my love. You may just make this poor heart stop with nothing more than a glance.

…

I know you aren't reading these, but if you were… I would want you to know that I'm not losing myself in the letters anymore. I know you aren't reading them, not yet.

This is a confession.

A long string of coincidences had me convinced, for far longer than I should have allowed… that you were here. That you were reading these.

And I relied on that.

I think maybe I hoped that with the right words… I might finally push you past some edge, some threshold where you'd finally take action.

It was a silly ploy. Destined to fail. But this situation we find ourselves in…

I. Love. You.

But I'm not supposed to.

I think you are the most attractive person… physically, emotionally, mentally, everythingly… that I have ever encountered in my whole entire life.

But I'm not supposed to.

I think about you, all the damned time.

But I'm not supposed to.

And so maybe… I don't know. Maybe I constructed a fantasy world for myself, where you had found me. Found my letters. Maybe even talked to me for a while, both in comments and in DMs.

But maybe I stalled. Because I let myself think these things. And I let myself think… I don't need to do too much in the real world, because you know.

And I would tell myself, no. No, self, she is not here, she has not read a single word of my love for her. My love for you. And I would try to push myself away from it. Push myself to take more risks in the real world. The one where we really do have a budding romance, an actual energy that is undeniable.

I mean… You can't even tell a story to another one of our friends, a story that has nothing at all to do with me, without your eyes falling on mine again. and again. and again.

This is real.

And I've said before and I'll say again… if it weren't for our circumstances, we would have been together a long time ago. I used to have trouble believing it, but not anymore. Not for a few weeks now. Months, maybe even.

Well. I guess the point I'm trying to get at (and failing, miserably, lol) is…

I might still be here writing these letters to the void. Letters that I really do intend to share with you one day.

But I'm not living in that fantasy world anymore. I know I need to engage you in the real world if I want this thing to move forward.

And I want this thing to move forward. Good lord, you have no idea.

And so I will be.

I might still be a bit timid sometimes. I'm sorry for that. I'm not used to this sort of thing.

But I love you, gosh… like I never even knew that it was possible to love. I'm not exaggerating or playing things up for effect when I say that. I truly had no idea, none at all, that it was possible to love someone as much as I've come to love you. These emotions… the power of them… It's new to me. I'm still just trying to figure out how to not just lose my mind from the absurd depth of these feelings. You are such an insanely remarkable person and there was never, ever any hope for me at all once I started to get to know you.

And there's not a chance in hell I'm going to throw that away through inaction.

That little note in that little TARDIS was just a start. That conversation we had outside the school… that was just a start.

Expect more of that, my love. More and more and more.

Because I need you in my life. I need you.

Plotting… spur of the moment… whatever. If it advances our relationship? I'm doing it.

…

But I'll still be writing here because good lord my love, I'm really not sure if you will understand that when I've written that I'm overflowing with love for you, I mean I am overflowing with love for you. I cannot keep it in. It spills out into the things I do, the things I say, pours into my work, my life. My heart is so full of love for you… so absurdly full of love for you…

It might just burst at any given moment… especially if you turn those eyes on me again…………

I love you. I love you. I love you.

I write it in threes because one is not enough. But even three doesn't scratch the surface.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

And you will know it. Soon. I promise.

Unbelievably, undeniably, insanely yours.